Overwhelmed

It has been sometime since I wrote anything.  My guess is for a couple of reasons. I think every Cancer patient goes through a period where you are so tired of everything being about cancer subconsciously you park it away deep inside.  And you try to be “normal”

 Tried that and what happens the real world slaps you in the face and all of a sudden you get overwhelmed with reality.

When I was in treatment I met a lovely woman; we had the same oncologist and were on the same cycle. She also had breast cancer and she had lost one breast. At the time, I thought she was lucky because she only had 4 rounds of chemo and I don’t think she had to do radiation but I can’t remember.

In our conversation, we learned we had mutual friends and we were reminded how small the world is.  We stayed in contact and regularly chatted. And a couple of times met for dinner and face to face chats.  We got caught up on everything.  She was back at work much faster than I was.  Everything was going well everyone was healing and families were doing well.

Last month she texted me a little freaked out because she had new lump on her chest and was going for chest x-rays, and an MRI was set up but not for 4 more months.  She thanked me for letting her vent and I said she can vent anytime  she needed to.

I am sure you know where this is going;a couple of weeks ago I got the call NO ONE ever wants to get and, I needed to get to the hospital it’s not good.

Somehow everyone had missed that her cancer had taken over her whole body despite seeing oncology in November and got a clean bill of health. She has two young teenage kids who are going to lose their Mom, life is not anywhere near fair some days.

So, what do you do; well for me I cried at night alone so I wouldn’t upset her. Then I got her some nice PJs and a night gown so she didn’t have to wear yucky hospital gowns and do what any of us can do, that is, just be there. I am reminded Cancer is ever present in my life and to pretend it isn’t does me more harm than seeing it every day.

Yesterday very sadly she lost her fight and I am just at a loss for words and just so over whelmed by it.

I can’t hate cancer because we were friends because of cancer. We got to spend an incredibly difficult time together, which I think made us closer because of it.  She knew she could be and or say anything with me. 

I cannot fix the world, I cannot beat cancer, but I can take its power away and I can do my best to process it and deal with it and help others beat it, conquer it and one day cure it.

Rest in peace Kerri-Lynn you will be missed xoxoxo  

I WILL FIGHT FOR ME 

Heart and Soul

This past week has been eventful; I can’t thank people enough for all the wonderful birthday wishes and encouraging support for my Ride to Conquer Cancer. The messages encouragement and support were over whelmingly wonderful. 

Last week was a big week; first I was called back for more tests, I know gross. As a cancer survivor the risk of “it” returning is on your mind all the time. My last oncology appointment he said you can’t worry about that and walked away. Yah Thanks Not worrying about it, is not really an option.  

I went in for a routine x-ray for a different issue and lucky me it came back with issues and the radiologist won’t sign off on my x-rays and wants more tests done. Which is fine but I get the call from the doctor’s office we need to see you now. I ask if I can make appointment for next week they tell me no he wants to see you today. Ok fine, I go in and in my x-ray there is a problem and now they want a bone scan ASAP. Because I will never be cancer free everything looks suspect and everything is questioned, in hind sight is good I guess. Any way had all the tests done and now I wait. Trying not to worry (hahaha) 

Fortunately, this past weekend was the Ride to Conquer Cancer and there is no better way to spend time worrying about cancer returning than with a large group of people trying to beat cancer with you. 

This year we had 1402 riders. I swear every single one of them had words of encouragement for me. This is my community and I couldn’t be more proud of them. The volunteers are just wonderful, all their time and energy to help all of us be successful makes my heart sing. 

Then there is the Alberta Cancer Foundation; they are so amazing I can actually say I owe my life to them. I have a place so full of positive words and hugs it is just the best. The money we raise from the ride to goes help people like me in Alberta. They fund research here. So not only are they funding research here they are actually researching my type of cancer here which is pretty cool. Research is making huge strides every day. So the weekend was a huge success and Monday, I found out that the cancer has not spread. 

One very happy camper here! And yes I am signed up for next years ride, lucky #9


I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

I was reminded this week that doctors have bad days too.

I had my oncology checkup and it went horribly sideways to the point I felt just destroyed.  I was so upset that when I got home I went to bed and just hid for the balance of the day and night.

I always schedule my GP appointments the following day to oncology.  My GP is amazing I explained what happened and how I felt destroyed (yes crying my eyes out). She went through everything with me, what he did and what he said.  While this didn’t change anything I still have cancer and I am still on meds every day and there is nothing that can be done, but  I don’t feel as destroyed as I did.  

The whole process reminded me that as I have bad days at work so can a doctor. It’s just that my bad days don’t impact anyone’s life. When an oncologist says there is nothing we can do to his patient; that is very different to when a cashier or teacher or financial analyst like me says it.

I know all too well what your oncologist says and how he/she says it has a huge impact on your day and on your survival. Don’t let one person’s day mess up  your day and or your life. Reach out, find the support you need. It can be anyone! For me and if you know me you know I have mentioned him before but my chiropractor is also an athletic therapist and works out of a gym, so the perfect combo for me; to put my frustration and anger into a positive channel. He has been with me during my whole cancer process even at the finish line of the Ride to Conquer Cancer.

Thank god I have such an amazing support team between my dear friends, GP and my Chiropractor I am alive and kicking.  Don’t get me wrong there are days like this past Wednesday when you think all is lost but let yourself find a way out, give yourself a pass and move forward.

I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

My First Winter with No Nipples

I do so enjoy having a blog, it is a great place to process “stuff” cancer can’t be all consuming if you let it.  

That being said it can also be strangely funny.  So that is where the title of today’s blog comes from “My First Winter with No Nipples” even just saying it to myself makes me smile.  Yes I know it is very serious subjects so please don’t be offended.

I find it odd that it is the nipple that makes showing breasts illegal and pornographic.  Pretty much everyone has nipples.  I would have thought it would have been the curve of the breast that was sensual. So in most of the modern world I can go topless without breaking any laws.

The next thing I find odd (now that I don’t have nipples) is the size of the industry to cover them up.  The modesty bra market is huge! So much money, time, and concern, to covering a nipple. Holy smoke again everyone has them!

I am very lucky, I have shape now (thank you to my surgeon) but couldn’t keep my nipples.  The risk of the cancer returning completely out weighted the need to keep them.  Yes I can have them tattooed if I want.  Right now I am leaning towards not doing that.

It is strangely liberating t to not worry about any of that; I can wear a t-shirt without hesitation or concern at how the world views my chest. I wear a bra when I want to – like when it’s pretty.  I do wear a sports bar when I workout for protection and sweat not for bounce or nipples.

I can walk in and out of the cold with no care or concern for the nipples affect :)

There aren’t many wins with breast cancer but celebrate this one with me “I have no nipples” wahooo xoxoxox

I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

Banging my Head Against a Wall

So today was an incredible frustrating day.  

As some of you may know, I started my company and my goal is to help cancer survivors get some of there strength back.  

I know first hand how difficult that is, no one will let you try. We don't let people be less than and help them work on being more than. Silly me thought a place that has a cancer support system in place would help with that.  They are more concerned with covering there ass. Or maybe it's just protecting there ass, they don't want to see the forest for the trees.

I don't know maybe; I need to start my own foundation and not worry about the negative folks.  Either way I will continue in my goal to help cancer survivors like me get there strength back. Whether is it with walking poles or in a pool or even just conversation like this. Let me know what you think.

I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

Ugggghhh

Hi everyone I hope you are well.

It's been 4 months since surgery and healing well.  Scar tissue stays tender for a long time, busted open some stitches the other day and I still have thread coming out. I am very tired at the end of the day, OMG healing takes energy.

The only yucky part is I have a new lump one the upper part of my right chest, I know @*&^&*$*^&%&$^& are the words I used.

So this Friday I have blood work, meetings, and tests, fingers crossed it is not malignant.  My oncologist is also going to change my meds.  First we have to find out if I am strong enough to take them. I know crazy, you know I am strong enough. lol I will let you know how it goes.

Good news too, I got to attend a meeting at the Alberta Cancer Foundation, hopefully late in 2016 I can be a patient advocate.  Hopefully my experiences can help others, maybe even a little less stressful for them.

I did get my ribbon tattoo done, part 1, writing to be added later.

I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

A Great Event

Hi Everyone,

Two weeks ago I got to be part of an amazing event.  It was call BRA "Breast Reconstruction Awareness" I was a volunteer.  I know what your thinking and you said so. This was pretty cool, I volunteered in the "Show and Tell" room.  Yup show and tell, there was a group of about 20 women all survivors that had all kinds of reconstruction done and at different stages of completion. I was lucky enough to be the most recent. We were all given shawls to cover ourselves if we every felt uncomfortable.  

Before the doors opened to the guest each of us stood up and showed off what we had done. We were all different ages, sizes, and procedures. All of us a bit nervous, I have never sat in a room with 20 topless women before. But each of us one by one told are stories and it was absolutely amazing.  

We were put in small groups with info in front of us stating are names and what we had done. Then women could come into the room and find one of us to chat with about what they were dealing with and what they were thinking about getting done.  And yes every possible question came up.  It was so cool to be celebrated and be celebrating my shape and figure and mu sucess.  Because I was the most recent and the only one with scares like mine I was busy all evening and met an amazing group of women. By the end of the night I felt so beautiful for all the right reason it's hard to even put into words. The amazing celebration of life and the human body was just brilliant.  And yes I will do it again next year.

People ask me all the time why do I talk about Breast Cancer so much - well this event showed me that I am on the right track and we could all use an evening where we are seen as beautiful for all the right reasons.  Light, Laughter, and Knowledge is pretty cool.

As Always!

I WILL FIGHT FOR ME